How to be a Poser
A Step-by-Step Guide to Absolute Cultural Bankruptcy
1. Dress the Part, Skip the Knowledge
Buy the shirt. Don’t listen to the band.
If someone asks you to name three tracks, say:
“Uh… the early stuff was better.”
Congrats — you’ve mastered auditory illiteracy.
2. Worship Aesthetics, Fear Substance
If it looks evil, it is evil.
Lyrics? History? Context?
Nah babe — vibes only. Preferably corpsepaint applied like a TikTok filter.
Rule: If it requires reading, thinking, or listening past 30 seconds, it’s “tryhard.”
3. Gatekeep What You Barely Understand
Tell everyone they’re doing it wrong.
Especially the people who’ve been into it longer than you.
Bonus points if you say:
- “That band sold out”
- “Real fans know”
- “You wouldn’t get it”
(You also don’t get it. That’s the magic.)
4. Confuse Hatred with Depth
If it’s angry, you’re deep.
If it’s loud, it’s authentic.
If it’s hateful without understanding why, it’s art.
Critical thinking is for nerds.
You’re here to cosplay nihilism.
5. Romanticize Everything You’ve Never Lived
War. Poverty. Violence. Suffering.
You love all of it — from the safety of your chair.
Reality is cringe.
Secondhand misery is aesthetic.
6. Make Everything About “Being Real”
Constantly talk about being real.
Authenticity is something you announce loudly, like a vegan at a barbecue.
Pro tip:
The more you say “I’m not a poser,” the more you glow radioactive green.
7. Hate Newcomers (You Were One Yesterday)
New fans ruin everything.
Except you — you’re different.
You discovered the scene organically (via algorithm).
8. Reduce Art to a Personality Badge
Music isn’t expression.
It’s a uniform.
A badge you flash so people know you’re “not like the others.”
Spoiler:
You are exactly like the others.
9. Cry When Someone Laughs at You
If anyone calls you cringe, immediately claim:
- “They don’t understand”
- “They’re just haters”
- “This scene is toxic”
No babe — you’re just fragile.
10. Never, Ever Create Anything
Listening is enough.
Consuming is enough.
Repeating opinions is enough.
Creating?
That’s scary. That requires risk.
Posers don’t risk — they post.
Final Certification
If you:
- Care more about image than meaning
- Mistake aggression for intelligence
- Confuse exclusion with identity
- And think depth is something you wear
Congratulations 🎉
You are now a Certified Poser™
Closing
Being a poser isn’t about taste — it’s about fear.
Fear of sincerity. Fear of effort. Fear of being exposed as shallow.
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